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:	post by deadlikemurf at 2008-03-06 15:55:33

"THE STACKHOUSE FILIBUSTER"
TELEPLAY BY: AARON SORKIN
STORY BY: PETE MCCABE
DIRECTED BY: BRYAN GORDON

TEASER

FADE IN: EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - NIGHT

C.J. [VO]
Dear Dad. First of all, Happy Birthday. Second of all, let me explain why I'm not on my
way there right now. You're not going to believe this, but it's because of a filibuster.
A filibuster that no one ever saw coming. Not the Senate leadership. Not the Party
leadership. And not me.

CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - NIGHT
C.J. is sitting at her computer typing an email to her father. A television is on in the
background.

C.J. [VO]
And if you're angry at me, well, you've got a lot of company. I'm going to explain all
this. Right now, it's Friday night and everyone is trying to get out the door - only I
won't let them.

CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - NIGHT
A television is shown to be on C-SPAN2, broadcasting the U.S. Senate Live. A Democratic
Senator from Minnesota, HOWARD STACKHOUSE, has the floor and is reading from a recipe book.

HOWARD STACKHOUSE
...non absorbent paper. Yields approximately four servings.

Sam is watching the television, looking quite dismayed.

SAM
[to himself] This isn't happening.

Sam looks at his watch as STACKHOUSE continues to read.

STACKHOUSE
...sauce, or chili sauce...

Sam spots C.J. in the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE.

SAM
C.J.!

C.J.
Yeah.

SAM
What the hell is he doing?

Sam and C.J. walk through into the CORRIDOR.

C.J.
It's a recipe for deep fried fantail shrimp.

SAM
Yeah. But, what's he still doing up there?

C.J.
He's got a recipe book.

SAM
How long will it go?

C.J.
I don't know.

SAM
I'm saying how many recipes are there?

C.J.
Altogether?

SAM
Yeah.

C.J.
I can't cook, but I think there are probably like 20 or 30.

SAM
You're screwing around with me.

C.J.
Oh, yeah.

SAM
I'm about to miss the 7:30 shuttle. If I miss the 8:30, I miss the last train to
Sag Harbor.

C.J. is handed a piece of paper by a staffer.

C.J.
You can spend the night in New York.

SAM
I've only got two nights. And you've gotta see this house.

C.J.
It's cool?

SAM
It's a Frank Lloyd Wright.

C.J.
Isn't it cold in Sag Harbor right now?

SAM
We wear sweaters. It's a Tommy Hilfiger ad.

C.J.
It can't last forever.

SAM
He's got 20 to 30 recipes he can still read.

Sam stops walking while C.J. continues through swinging doors into the JOSH'S BULLPEN,
still talking to Sam.

C.J.
Sam, seriously, there are more recipes than that.

SAM
Who cares? He's blowing my weekend in the Hamptons.

C.J.
Maybe he doesn't know about the sweaters.

Sam turns around and walks away.

C.J. [VO]
The reason they needed to stick around was that the moment the filibuster's over, there
will be a vote and once they vote, I need my spin boys.

C.J. is walking through JOSH'S BULLPEN.

JOSH
C.J....

C.J.
I know!

Josh jumps up from his chair and walks with C.J. through the bullpen.

JOSH
Who gave him the recipe book?

C.J.
I really don't think we can blame this on the recipe book. Plus, I now know the secret to
cold asparagus chantilly is a quarter cup whipped cream.

JOSH
I'm going to Port Saint Lucie, which may not mean anything to you, but happens to be the
spring training home of the...

C.J.
New York Jets. Yes, you've told me. Josh, you can watch basketball on T.V.

JOSH
Yes, except the New York Knicks are a basketball team, the New York Jets are a football
team, and Port Saint Lucie is the spring training home of the New York...

C.J.
[exasperated] Mets! Yes. Dammit, I'm inadequate.

Josh stops at the bottom of a small staircase that leads to the Briefing Room, while C.J.
continues. C.J. stops at the top to listen to Josh.

JOSH
A weekend at spring training. Mike Piazza is going to be standing in the batting cage.
[strikes a batting pose] He's going to turn and see me. He's going to say, 'Dude.'

C.J.
Well, I wouldn't want you to miss a legitimate 'dude' sighting.

JOSH
[excited] So I can take off?

C.J.
No.

C.J. walks into the PRESS BRIEFING ROOM full of reporters.

C.J. [VO]
Why do I need the spin? Because it's a bipartisan bill and I'm all for bipartisanship
as long as we get the credit. So, I've taken the press corps hostage.

The moment C.J. enters and heads for the podium, all of the reporters start calling her
name. A television in the room is tuned to Stackhouse on C-SPAN2 as he continues to talk.

C.J.
Guys, I'm sorry, but you know what? Listen, seriously, you're looking at democracy at
work, it's a beautiful thing.

REPORTER 1
And how much more beauty can we be expecting tonight, C.J.

C.J.
Well, I wouldn't think it would be that much longer.

REPORTER 2
He's got a recipe book.

C.J.
Yeah, but how many recipes can there be? 20? 30?

Another reporter, Mark, rushes up to C.J.

MARK
[in a loud whisper] C.J., it's Friday night. I'm supposed to have dinner with my
girlfriend. She's going to kill me.

C.J.
Yeah, but you know what, Mark? This is just the kind of thing that can cleanse the palate
of a relationship that's gone stale. Like a fine sorbet.

MARK
We've been going out three weeks.

C.J.
And she's already bitching about dinner?

MARK
C.J....

C.J.
Lose her.

Mark goes back to his seat as C.J. walks behind the podium. The reporters start to call
her name again.

C.J.
Listen up! Everybody, this was unforeseen. Obviously, he's got to finish sometime. When
he does, there will be a vote immediately. When it's done, the President will make his
calls, White House staff will be available for comment, and most important you will all
write about it. In the mean time, I say, pizza for everybody! Who's with me?

The room is silent.

C.J.
Excellent!

C.J. gathers her papers and leaves. Carol meets her outside the door and follows
C.J. through the HALLWAYS.

C.J.
We're going to need like a massive truckload of pizza. And, I don't know, maybe some
Cuervo 1800 if we've got it lying around.

CAROL
How much?

C.J.
Just enough for me.

Toby approaches.

TOBY
C.J., just so you know, I need to be at Telluride first thing in the morning.

C.J.
That's a rough assignment you pulled there.

TOBY
No, I'm saying, I already missed the 6:50 to Denver, but I can catch an 8:40 from
National if I change planes in Chicago.

C.J. and Toby enter C.J.'S OFFICE. Toby is bouncing his pink rubber ball.

C.J.
And as you're travel agent, it's important that you update me on that information.

TOBY
C.J....

C.J.
I'm supposed to be on my way to Napa right now for my Dad's 70th birthday. You hear me
complaining?

TOBY
You just did.

C.J.
Get out.

C.J. sits behind her desk with her computer.

TOBY
It's your dad's 70th birthday?

C.J.
Yeah.

TOBY
You doing anything?

C.J.
Yeah, we're all getting together in Napa.

TOBY
[quietly] I meant right now.

C.J.
No. I'm sitting and waiting. I'm ordering pizza. I'm catching up on e-mails.

TOBY
All right. I got a a basketball game on in my office if you want to come by?

C.J.
Is it the Jets and the Mets?

TOBY
It's the Nets and the Hawks. [with disdain] The Jets and the Mets?

C.J.
I know the teams. I'm joking when I do this. I'm joking when I do this.

TOBY
Okay.

Toby turns to leave, then turns back around.

TOBY
You know there's a 9:00 to SFO. You could drive to Napa.

C.J.
Yeah.

TOBY
All right. I'm in my office.

C.J. turns to look at the television, where Stackhouse is still speaking.

C.J.
It'll end.

TOBY
Do you have any idea how many recipes there are?

C.J.
I really don't.

Toby leaves.

STACKHOUSE [on T.V.]
...teaspoon of dry mustard...

C.J. begins to type.

C.J. [VO]
So, the press is in the briefing room. The staff is in the West Wing. And I'm right here.
I'm betting when you read this, you're going to be glad I stayed. I'm betting you're
going to end up rooting for a Minnesota Senator named Howard Stackhouse. 'Cause I gotta
tell ya, this doesn't seem like any old filibuster.

SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *

ACT ONE

FADE IN: EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - NIGHT

C.J. [VO]
It's our first filibuster, and I'm not a rules expert, but the rules of a filibuster are
simple enough.

FADE TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - NIGHT
C.J. continues typing her e-mail.

C.J.
You keep the floor as long as you hold the floor. What does that mean? It means you can't
stop talking, ever. You can't eat, and you can't drink, which is fine, because you can't
leave the chamber to use the bathroom, either. But all that's nothing compared to this:
you're not allowed to sit down. You're not allowed to lean on anything or, for that matter,
anyone. It started with the bill you'll read about tomorrow morning called the Family
Wellness Act. Josh had been leading staffers from the Legislative Liaison Office in
negotiations with the conference chairman for weeks and this last Monday morning he
walked into the Roosevelt Room and said...

CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY
Josh enters and seats himself at the table.

JOSH
We got the Family Wellness Act.

LEO
It's done?

JOSH
Yes, sir.

LEO
What'd we get, what'd we lose?

JOSH
We got most of what we wanted in Title VII.

C.J.
That's infant hearing loss?

JOSH
Yeah, we got a hearing test for every child born in the U.S.

SAM
What about...?

JOSH
We did not get mandatory tests for children not born in hospitals.

SAM
We can live with that.

LEO
The Special Needs Adoption Awareness program?

JOSH
Right, this is a national campaign to provide information to the public regarding the
adoption of special needs children.

LEO
How'd we get it?

JOSH
By agreeing to a provision that would require health care staff to give pregnant women
information about adoption on an equal basis with all other courses of action.

C.J.
National Organization for Women's gonna hate that.

JOSH
I know.

C.J.
Women seeking abortions should not be required by law to be lectured at.

JOSH
Yeah, but you're gonna help me out there, right?

C.J.
Yes, I will. I will once again and betray the sisterhood.

Josh and the other men look down with small smiles.

C.J.
[pointing to each] Okay, I saw you, you, you, and you roll your eyes.

LARRY
You weren't even looking at me.

C.J.
I felt you.

LEO
[standing with others and clapping] We're done! Josh Lyman, everybody.

They all exit. Sam leaves with Josh.

SAM
Nice job.

JOSH
I know, I'm thinking seriously about turning pro.

SAM
Yeah?

JOSH
Yeah, I got agents talking to me, telling me I could go high in the second round, maybe
low in the first if I have a good postseason.

SAM
You don't want to stay in school, get your education?

JOSH
Nah, I'm white, nobody's gonna mind.

They walk into LEO'S OFFICE.

LEO
Josh, this looks good. I mean, he stuck sunsets on a bunch of small-ticket items, but...

JOSH
That's the way it's gonna happen.

LEO
You just spent six billion dollars on health care. How do you feel?

JOSH
I'd feel better if it meant just once I could go to a doctor without filling out
something on a clipboard.

LEO
All right, what else?

TOBY
Philip Sluman, who's the chairman of the Petroleum Producers of America, testified
yesterday to the FTC that "the Bartlet administration's" - blah, blah - "relentless
pursuit of emissions standards in the form of additives like MTBE is a big reason
we've seen price hikes in some parts of the country."

LEO
The Energy Secretary's got to respond.

TOBY
The Energy Secretary's gonna respond and I'd like to mention that to the Vice President.

LEO
You want me to do it?

TOBY
I got it.

LEO
He's gonna be pretty unhappy.

TOBY
Yep.

LEO
Anything else?

TOBY
No...

C.J.
Nope.

JOSH
No sir, thank you.

They all exit.

CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - PRESENT
C.J. continues typing.

C.J. [VO]
So there it was, the Family Wellness Act, an omnibus health bill aimed at diseases that
disproportionately affect children. This was a good day, 'cause something got done. The
problem is, we only thought it was done. Dad, this would be a good time to mention that
it's possible that an Egyptian cat goddess named Bast has put an ancient curse on me.

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY
C.J. walks through a hallway. Charlie catches up with her.

CHARLIE
C.J.!

C.J.
Charlie.

CHARLIE
Listen...

C.J.
May I call you Chip?

CHARLIE
No...

C.J.
Chipper?

CHARLIE
No...

C.J.
Gilligan?

CHARLIE
Listen...

C.J.
Yes?

CHARLIE
Hassan Ali's coming here at the end of the week.

C.J.
He's got 38 wives.

CHARLIE
Yeah.

C.J.
Imagine being the girl he dated who he didn't marry.

CHARLIE
C.J.?

C.J.
Hassan Ali is coming?

They reach C.J.'S OFFICE.

CHARLIE
Yeah, and on the President's trip to Cairo, Ali gave him a gift, a ceramic statue.

C.J.
Okay.

CHARLIE
The State Department told the Office of Protocol it is important that the gift be
displayed when Ali visits.

C.J.
Display it.

CHARLIE
Well, the Office of Protocol wasn't able to find it.

C.J.
They should talk to the gift officer.

CHARLIE
They did.

C.J.
And?

CHARLIE
They say you have it.

C.J.
I'm sorry?

CHARLIE
Sherry Halpurn, the gift officer on the trip, says she handed it to you in Cairo.

C.J.
Did you say a small, ceramic statue?

CHARLIE
Yeah, of a cat.

C.J.
Okay... [sighs] okay... okay.

CHARLIE
C.J.?

C.J.
Yes?

CHARLIE
You know anything about it?

C.J.
Well, I have to think about it, Charlie. It was a year ago, and it's not like I have
instant recall of every ceramic cat statue I've ever been handed in Cairo.

CHARLIE
Yeah, should I tell Protocol that...?

C.J.
Tell Protocol I'm searching my recollection.

CHARLIE
Protocol's recollection seemed pretty good.

C.J.
Leave me now.

CHARLIE
Sure.

C.J. spots Toby in the hallway.

C.J.
Toby.

TOBY
I'm going to see Hoynes, talk to me later.

C.J.
Okay, Carol?

CAROL
What do you need?

C.J.
Some information, possibly a disguise, and a fast getaway car. Come inside.

CUT TO: INT. THE MURAL ROOM - DAY
Hoynes is with several senior citizens standing with quilts. They are posing for pictures.

HOYNES
Tell me something, how did they not anticipate the flooding?

REPORTER
There was an unexpectedly high snowmelt.

HOYNES
The snow fell three months ago. Did they not think it was going to melt this year?

CANDY
Thank you, everybody.

Hoynes thanks the guests for coming as they exit.

HOYNES
Thank you so much. It was a pleasure. Thank you. Beautiful quilts.

WOMAN
Thank you very much, sir.

CANDY
The temperatures were unseasonably warm last month.

MAN 1
We don't know why.

HOYNES
Well, it could have been something due to the sun, though, right?

MAN 2
Sir?

HOYNES
We're done. [to man] Yeah?

MAN 2
Can you see Toby Ziegler?

HOYNES
Yeah. 25 million acre-feet of water, Candy, that's eight trillion gallons.

CANDY
Yes, sir. [exits with the other staffers]

HOYNES
[as Toby enters] Hey, Toby.

TOBY
Good morning, Mr. Vice President.

HOYNES
The California Aqueduct is twice the length of Pennsylvania. Did you know that?

TOBY
I knew it was pretty big.

HOYNES
What do you need?

TOBY
[as both sit] Philip Sluman, testifying yesterday in front of the FTC, charged that it
was the White House's pursuit of tighter emissions standards that's caused the rise
in prices...

HOYNES
Phil Sluman had a good point.

TOBY
Mr. Vice President, I don't want to go round and round with you on Sluman.

HOYNES
Okay.

TOBY
He had no point.

HOYNES
Policy forces them to use expensive additives whose benefits are questionable.

TOBY
It's price gouging...

Hoynes shrugs his shoulders.

TOBY
It costs marginally more to refine the fuel with the additives and the cost is being
passed on to the consumer at an outrageous markup.

HOYNES
Toby, if a refinery shuts down, if there's a fire, which isn't, like, out of the question
when you're dealing with petroleum, production comes to a halt, gas becomes scarce, the
prices go up, then they come back down.

TOBY
Well, it's good to know the companies can make it through the lean times.

HOYNES
Yeah.

TOBY
Anyway, sir, tomorrow night, Bill Trotter's gonna be delivering a speech to the Detroit
Economic Counsel on Energy Efficiency in the 21st century, and we're gonna rewrite the
draft to include a fairly strong rebuttal to Phillip Sluman's remarks.

HOYNES
[clears throat] You shouldn't have Bill Trotter do it.

TOBY
Why?

HOYNES
'Cause his rants against the oil companies have become familiar and the press has stopped
writing about them.

TOBY
Still...

HOYNES
It's also pretty dicey political terrain for the Energy Secretary.

TOBY
Who would you send?

HOYNES
To punch back? Me. [stands]

TOBY
Really?

HOYNES
I'm having a press conference tomorrow afternoon to announce an advisory group for the
antitrust policy. I'll take questions at the end, I'll open it up for anything, and they
will ask me about Sluman and oil.

TOBY
Mr. Vice President...

HOYNES
Toby, if you think I'll be too soft on him, stand in the back of the room... if you don't
like what I say, call Bill Trotter and say, "You're on for tomorrow night."

TOBY
[standing] Would you mind if I prepared some notes for you?

HOYNES
[chuckling lightly] Oh, not at all... Would you mind if I shoved them up your ass?

TOBY
[laughing] No, sir... well, thank you, sir, we appreciate it.

HOYNES
I heard you got the Family Wellness Act.

TOBY
We scheduled the vote for Friday at noon.

HOYNES
You'll have the bill by 12:05.

The filibuster continues in the background.

STACKHOUSE [VO]
...six egg yolks, three cups of heavy cream, six tablespoons of sugar, two tablespoons...

TOBY
Thank you, Mr. Vice President. [exits]

CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - PRESENT

C.J. [VO]
I'll get back to the cat story in a second, 'cause I have to interrupt to say this: if
you ever have a free two hours and are so inclined, try standing up without leaning on
anything and talking the whole time. You won't make it. I wouldn't make it. Stackhouse
wasn't supposed to last 15 minutes. He's 78 years old. He has a head cold. This bill is
going to pass. He has no hope, to say nothing of I can't imagine what the hell it is
he's fighting for. Stackhouse wasn't supposed to last 15 minutes.

STACKHOUSE [on T.V.]
That is how you prepare Virginia Green apple pie. Let's turn now to David Copperfield...

C.J.
[still typing] Well, somebody forgot to tell Stackhouse, Dad, cause he just went into
hour number eight.

STACKHOUSE [on T.V.]
...1870, began this great work...

FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *

ACT TWO

FADE IN: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT

STACKHOUSE [VO]
...whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show...

CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE MESS - CONTINUOUS
Sam is sitting by the T.V. in front of his laptop computer. Stackhouse is still on
T.V. reading "David Copperfield."

STACKHOUSE [on T.V.]
...To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record I was born, as I have
been informed and believe on a Friday at 12:00 at night. It was remarked that the
clock began to strike...

C.J. walks in to grab some coffee.

STACKHOUSE [on T.V.]
...and I began to cry simultaneously...

C.J.
Hey.

SAM
Hey.

C.J.
What are you doing?

SAM
Well, it's a little complicated and indeed difficult to explain in layman's terms.

Sam is playing solitaire on the computer.

C.J.
You can put the black seven on the red eight.

Sam realizes that C.J. can see the computer screen from the glass behind him.

SAM
Thanks.

C.J.
Hey Sam, who's your favorite writer?

SAM
Toby.

C.J.
Who's your favorite fiction writer?

SAM
You're listening to him right now.

C.J.
You like Dickens?

SAM
Yeah.

C.J.
You know I never got a chance to say... I mean, I feel bad about your dad and
everything.

SAM
Yeah. We're doing better. You know, the ice is starting to thaw.

C.J.
I'm in the middle of an e-mail to my father.

SAM
Do you talk to him a lot?

C.J.
Not enough. You're gonna miss the last plane.

SAM
I'll take Amtrak to Penn Station and rent a car.

C.J.
Okay. Well, I just came down to get this coffee.

SAM
Go back to your e-mail.

C.J. walks away but turns back.

C.J.
Hey, did I hear you got spanked by some 14-year-old kid interning at the GAO?

SAM
I did not get spanked. And she was 19 years old, and I demonstrated once again that I
am open to all forms of debate.

C.J.
With an intern.

SAM
If need be.

C.J.
Okay.

C.J. walks back to the coffee machine.

SAM
She was very crafty.

C.J.
Who?

SAM
The intern from the GAO.

C.J.
Yeah.

SAM
Go back to your e-mail.

C.J.
I am.

SAM
Okay.

C.J.
I'm taking my coffee with me.

SAM
I'll see you upstairs.

C.J. exits.

STACKHOUSE [on T.V.]
...[coughs] then she made a frown and a gesture to my mother like one who was accustomed
to be obeyed, to come open the door...

Sam closes his solitaire game and begins typing an e-mail.

SAM [VO]
Dear Jackass... [sips some coffee]

STACKHOUSE [on T.V.]
..."Mrs. David Copperfield, I think," said Miss Betsey. The emphasis referring perhaps
to my mother's mourning weeds and her condition not having been lighted, indeed, since
my father's funeral.

SAM [VO]
[smiles] Dear Dad, C.J. Cregg is writing an e-mail to her father to kill time during
the filibuster, and it reminded me I haven't told you any tales from the White House
in the last few weeks...

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY
Sam comes out of a door and walks.

SAM [VO]
Let's start again, okay. Here's one about how I got yelled at by a 19-year-old intern
from the General Accounting Office.

Sam continues to JOSH'S OFFICE.

SAM [VO]
Josh was having his twice weekly meeting with assistant deputies. He was basically
staffing out inbox material for the next few days. I was looking for a good piece of
fruit.

Sam quietly sneaks in Josh's meeting and spies some fruit on the table.

JOSH
Write this down. I need to find out if sufficient funds have been appropriated to the
FAA to begin work on data-link communications.

Sam picks up an orange.

STAFFER 1
They're gonna ask me what sufficient funds mean.

JOSH
That's when you get me on the phone. Sam...

Sam looks.

JOSH
What are you doing?

SAM
I'm looking for a piece of fruit.

JOSH
Can we show you something from the back, or...?

SAM
I'm fine.

JOSH
Okay, here's one. Uh... the White House has been instructed by Congress to compile a
list of 400 government reports that should be eliminated as they serve little purpose
and cost taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars.

Sam is now peeling a banana.

JOSH [cont.]
We'll assume, though, the modifier was dangling, they mean the reports serve little
purpose, not Congress itself. Who wants to lead it?

SAM
[raises a finger] I will.

JOSH
Right. You're not in this meeting. You're shopping for fruit.

SAM
I'm done with the fruit. I was listening to what you were saying.

JOSH
You want to do this?

SAM
Absolutely.

JOSH
Why?

SAM
Because it's insane! We got over 3,000 reports from federal agencies last year.
Agriculture spent $40 million producing 280 reports. Four years of college, three
years of law school, I spent 30 bucks at Kinko's. Give me the thing.

JOSH
All right. We're done.

All the staffers begin to exit the room.

SAM
[to the staffers] Let me tell you people something. The GAO needs a little housekeeping,
and that's my nickname, okay? I'm "The Housekeeper."

Toby peeks in from another door.

TOBY
Hey.

SAM
God, that's a terrible nickname.

JOSH
Well, start getting used to it for a while.

TOBY
Let me talk to you for a second.

SAM
[to Josh] I'm not going with that nickname anymore. [to Toby] What's going on?

TOBY
I was just with Hoynes.

JOSH
About Sluman's testimony?

TOBY
Yeah.

JOSH
What did he say?

TOBY
He defended it.

SAM
Isn't that what you expected?

TOBY
Yeah.

SAM
Did you tell him Bill Trotter was gonna be...?

TOBY
Yeah.

JOSH
What did he say?

TOBY
He said he wanted to do it himself.

A pause. Sam looks at Josh.

JOSH
Really?

TOBY
Yeah.

SAM
I don't understand.

TOBY
He said he's doing a press conference tomorrow on...

SAM
Antitrust.

TOBY
Yeah, and he'll take questions at the end. And they'll ask about the Sluman testimony,
and he'll step up.

JOSH
Well, somebody's got to be there.

TOBY
Oh, I'm gonna be there. If he ducks, Trotter goes on in Detroit. But, still, is it
clear to you what he's doing?

SAM
No.

TOBY
Me neither. [exits]

CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE MESS - PRESENT

SAM [VO]
Okay, so I got a team together and I went about the task of recommending 400
government reports for elimination.

CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY
A meeting with Sam and others.

LARRY
Report on use of Pell Grants for the incarcerated.

SAM
What's that?

LARRY
Education scholarships for prisoners.

SAM
Wasn't that program terminated?

LARRY
Yeah.

SAM
But we write the reports anyway.

ED
Yeah.

SAM
Lose it.

ED
Report on study of Route 66.

SAM
Which tells us?

A female intern pushing a cart behind Ed and Larry drops a file between them.

LARRY
Condition and traffic flow of America's oldest trans-continental highway.

SAM
Anything in there I don't get from the song?

LARRY
Nope.

SAM
Lose it.

The young intern breathes out a very audible sigh. Sam looks.

SAM
Excuse me?

INTERN
I didn't say anything.

SAM
You made a little sound there.

INTERN
Sorry. I'll be out of your way in just a moment. [continues to put files down]

SAM
Okay.

LARRY
Apparently, there are these tiny clams of mussels that are taking over the Great Lakes.

SAM
Lose it.

The interns makes the sound again.

SAM
Can I help you?

INTERN
No, you seem to be screwing the world up all by yourself.

SAM
Who are you?

INTERN
I'm an intern at the GAO.

LARRY
Sam, it's almost noon. They're gonna be starting the vote.

SAM
Let's go watch.

LARRY
Yeah.

Everybody gets up and turns to leave. The intern pushes the cart to leave as well.

SAM
[to the intern] You stay a second. You're an intern.

INTERN
Yes.

SAM
What are you, 14 years old?

INTERN
[defensively] I'm 19 years old.

SAM
And what's your problem with my cutting reports?

INTERN
Nothing. Other than it being utterly bogus.

SAM
What's your name?

INTERN
Winnifred Hooper.

SAM
Should I call you Winnie?

WINNIFRED
Not unless you want me to spit at you.

SAM
And I don't.

WINNIFRED
Okay.

SAM
Winnifred, the accounting office tells me I can save the taxpayers $3 million by
cutting 400 reports.

WINNIFRED
Now, every American family can realize their dream of a college education for their
children with the penny and a half you just saved them.

SAM
Okay, you know what...

WINNIFRED
You blow through these things like they don't mean anything.

SAM
They don't mean anything.

WINNIFRED
You're an idiot!

SAM
Hey-hey, you're talking to senior staff.

WINNIFRED
Gee, genuflect when you say that, fella.

SAM
[picks up a random file] Report on the Obstacles to State and Local Training Needs in
the Solid Waste Management and Resource Recovery. You know what this is?

WINNIFRED
Yes.

SAM
It's about career opportunities for garbage men.

WINNIFRED
And what's wrong with that?

SAM
I think it's a tough sell, and I don't need a report to tell me that.

WINNIFRED
Do you have any idea how much MSW this country generates in a single year?

SAM
That's...

WINNIFRED
Municipal solid waste.

SAM
I knew that.

WINNIFRED
209 million tons of MSW or 4.3 pounds per person per day. And the kicker is, we only
have hard data available from five years ago.

SAM
So, the numbers would be even higher today.

WINNIFRED
You bet your boots they would. Trash collectors play an incredibly important role in
our society. They start work at 4 a.m. I mean a three-person crew could service 1200
homes in six hours, collecting 50,000 pounds of garbage.

SAM
How do you know all that?

WINNIFRED
I've read the report.

SAM
You've read the report?

WINNIFRED
Yes.

SAM
Why?

WINNIFRED
I'm allowed. Anybody's allowed.

SAM
No, I-I mean, why?

WINNIFRED
Well, they're all sitting in the office I work in.

SAM
So, it just happens you read the report I pulled off the top?

WINNIFRED
I've read them all.

SAM
You've read them all.

WINNIFRED
I-I like to read. They let me come early and stay after. [exhales] Mr. Seaborn, the
bottom line is because of the low rate of unemployment, people can be a lot more
choosy, and the municipal sanitation departments are having trouble hiring qualified
trash collectors, which I think you'll agree we need.

SAM
Yes.

WINNIFRED
Okay. I have to go back to my room.

Winnifred pushes his cart to leave.

SAM
Winnie.

She turns around.

SAM
Yeah, I said it. Listen, you're talented. When you get out of school, you should come
see me for a job.

WINNIFRED
I-I suppose you're not a complete loser... and you write very well... So when I get
out of school, you should come see me for a job. [exits]

CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - PRESENT
C.J. continues with her e-mail.

C.J.
Back to the cat story dad, I've done my research, and sure enough, I was quite screwed.
I was in trouble, and I needed to tell someone, a cohort. Someone whose criminal mind
is equal to my own.

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY
C.J. catches up with Donna, who is carrying a bunch of files.

C.J.
Donna, I need to talk to you right now.

DONNA
I have to get these to people.

C.J.
So, we went to Cairo last year.

DONNA
Not me.

C.J.
Right.

DONNA
I had strep.

C.J.
I didn't which is sad for me.

DONNA
Are you in trouble?

C.J.
I may be in a spot of trouble, yes.

DONNA
What happened?

C.J.
Hassan Ali gave the President a gift, a small ceramic statue of Bast.

DONNA
Bast?

C.J.
Bast. A cat goddess. She was...

STAFFER
[holding a phone] Donna, did Josh leave?

DONNA
He went to lunch.

C.J.
She was the patron saint of Bubastis and rose to prominence during the period of the
22nd Dynasty.

DONNA
How do you know all this?

C.J.
I looked it up. The cats in the temple...

DONNA
What temple?

C.J.
The temple of Bubastis, maybe, I don't know. The cats in the temple wore jeweled
collars. They were treated royally. They thought cats controlled the movement of
the moon. They had total authority over royal houses because of their ability to
see in the dark. Anyone who killed a cat was put to death.

DONNA
I'm sorry, C.J. I'm not...

C.J. stops walking and so does Donna.

C.J.
I broke the damn statue. Not badly, but you know, in several pieces. And since it came
out of his own collection, breaking the figurine would amount to a personal affront
implying he had bad taste, and that the object was of little personal value to the
President.

STAFFER 2
[walking by] Donna, they're asking for you back at your desk.

DONNA
How did you break it?

C.J.
The gift officer handed it to me. I tossed it in my suitcase.

DONNA
You tossed it in your suitcase?

C.J.
Do you have any idea how many pieces of crap gets stuck in the President's hands every
time he leaves the building?

DONNA
Didn't the gift officer know it was a priceless relic?

C.J.
Well, apparently not, because she handed it to me with a couple of T-shirts and a box of
baklava.

STAFFER 3 [OS]
Donna!

DONNA
Yeah. [to C.J.] Why are you telling me this?

C.J.
I thought maybe you'd have an idea.

DONNA
Well, there's nothing really I can think of right now, except agree that you're
monumentally screwed. I mean I hate to leave it at that.

C.J.
But you're gonna.

DONNA
Yeah.

C.J. walks off. Donna meets a staffer.

DONNA
What's going on?

STAFFER 3
It's this phone message for Josh.

DONNA
Who's it from?

STAFFER 3
Howard Stackhouse.

JOSH
[walking by] Who has my wallet?

Someone tosses him his wallet.

JOSH
Thank you.

DONNA
Josh. Did Senator Stackhouse ask you to meet with one of his aides?

JOSH
Yeah.

DONNA
'Cause I don't have it down.

JOSH
Yeah, I'm not taking it.

DONNA
Why?

JOSH
He wants an amendment added to the Family Wellness Act that'll allocate money for
autism care and research.

DONNA
And we don't want to?

JOSH
This is what's called a "Christmas tree bill." Everyone hangs amendments on it. We just
closed it this morning. We try to hang a star on top...

DONNA
The tree topples over, and it doesn't pass.

JOSH
Yeah, Stackhouse isn't really someone who has a lot of muscle on this, so...

DONNA
You got this phone message. [shows him a note]

JOSH
From his office?

DONNA
From him. [reading the note] "You're gonna meet with me or there's not gonna be a vote
while I'm alive. Stackhouse."

Josh takes and note from Donna and walks off.

STACKHOUSE [VO]
...as if it were her fault, poor thing, and said, sobbing, that indeed, she was afraid
that she was but a childish widow...

C.J. [VO]
So maybe it was the curse of Bast that made us not take the Stackhouse threat seriously,
but whatever the reason, it's time to take it seriously 'cause he's gassing me out of
time. Still, I've got two hours till the 11:00 print deadline, and there's no way,
there's no way, he goes another two hours.

She looks at the T.V.

STACKHOUSE [on T.V.]
Let's move on to the rules of cards...

C.J.
There's no way.

FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *

ACT THREE

FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - DAY
The camera tracks the halls of the West Wing. As it approaches LEO'S OFFICE, we hear Josh.

JOSH [VO]
The message was pretty cryptic... like something you'd slip to a bank teller. And it was
unusual to get it directly from a Senator, who'd normally dispatch an aide. Leo agreed,
but was in no way concerned. He told me to go ahead, take the meeting, and not to sweat
it, and under no circumstances give anything away.

During the voiceover, we see Leo and Josh talk. Josh takes the memo from Leo and exits.

CUT TO: EXT. THE CAPITOL HILL - DAY

JOSH [VO]
So I headed up to the Hill... wearing, by the way, the new shoes you bought me, which I'd
never worn before.

CUT TO: INT. CAPITOL BUILDING HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Josh slides in from camera left and falls on his butt.

JOSH [VO]
Since Dad's not here to do it, I think it's my job to bore you with history now. The
filibuster has been part of parliamentary strategy in this country for over a hundred
and fifty years. Now, the reason we weren't sweating Stackhouse is that Stackhouse isn't
someone you sweat. He's been around forever, but he has little influence, little power,
and few friends. So, Dad would want me to tell you where the word 'filibuster' comes
from. It's from the Dutch "vrijbuiter," which translated literally means "freebooter."
But what they meant was, "buccaneer."

During the voiceover, we see Josh walk to SENATOR STACKHOUSE'S OFFICE. He removes his
coat as the Senator beckons him in.

JOSH
Afternoon, Senator.

STACKHOUSE
Good afternoon. [coughs]

JOSH
Sounds like a bad cold.

STACKHOUSE
It's fine.

JOSH
You taking anything?

STACKHOUSE
I don't want to talk about my cold. I want 47 million dollars to fight autism.

JOSH
Sir...

STACKHOUSE
Five "Centers of Excellence" in universities around the country to help scientists
coordinate their research, three special units for autism epidemeilogy at the CDC,
and a centralized facility for gene and brain banking. That's 43 million.

JOSH
Senator...

STACKHOUSE
Uh, the other four million is for a federal program to educate doctors in order to reduce
the staggeringly high percentage of cases in which autism is misdiagnosed.

JOSH
We can't do it.

STACKHOUSE
Of course you can. You simply pick up the phone, you call the Conference Chairman, and...

JOSH
The bill started out at two billion. It's six billion now.

STACKHOUSE
That's right. So another forty seven million hurts you how?

JOSH
Sir...

STACKHOUSE
It's eight tenths of one percent of a bill aimed at the health issues affecting children,
which is roughly the same as the percentage of children affected by autism.

JOSH
I don't need to tell you that in these negotiations...

STACKHOUSE
In these negotiations about a bill aimed at health issues affecting children, we've
allocated funds for Alzheimer's, glaucoma, and erectile dysfunction.

JOSH
Sir...

STACKHOUSE
You know a lot of two year olds afflicted with that horrific condition, do you?

JOSH
[smiling] There's no doubt that that's a good point, but in order for us to ensure that
more important things were in the bill...

STACKHOUSE
So there was a determination made.

JOSH
I'm sorry?

STACKHOUSE
A determination was made, an order of priorities.

JOSH
Senator, there's going to be a vote. The bill's closed.

STACKHOUSE
Open it back up again.

JOSH
To do that would mean to postpone the vote, and everyone's breaking for the recess, and...

STACKHOUSE
And you want the story before everyone goes home.

JOSH
Yeah.

STACKHOUSE
Okay. [gets up and walks to the door]

JOSH
Sir, the next time around, and there will be a next time around...

STACKHOUSE
That's all. I'm done with you now.

He waves his hand dismissively at Josh and walks out.

JOSH [VO]
And that was that.

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - NIGHT
The camera focuses on the three T.V.s on the shelves.

NEWSCASTER [on T.V.]
Also in the news at this hour, parliamentary procedure in all of its glory, as a Senate
filibuster watches day turn to night, and possibly back into day again. 78-year-old
Minnesota Senator Howard Stackhouse stands alone tonight in the well of the Senate
chamber as his colleagues somewhat impatiently wait for a vote that was scheduled
to take place more than nine hours ago. Stackhouse, a five-term senator who once...

During the commentary, we pan to Donna watching the coverage.

DONNA
Hey, Zach.

ZACH
Yeah?

DONNA
You guys record the news feeds coming in, right?

ZACH
Yeah.

DONNA
Could I get a dub of the B-roll they're showing on the Stackhouse story? It's three or
four seconds, it's a campaign stop, and his grandchildren were with him. The voiceover's
talking about his seven grandchildren.

ZACH
Sure. What's the problem?

DONNA
It's nothing.

ZACH
I'll have it sent up in a few minutes.

DONNA
Thanks.

Josh enters. He and Donna start a walk and talk to JOSH'S OFFICE.

JOSH
Donna.

DONNA
You're booked tomorrow morning, 8:55, United, direct to West Palm Beach.

JOSH
Which gets in at?

DONNA
12:58.

JOSH
It's still a seventy mile drive to Port St. Lucie. I'll miss the game.

DONNA
I thought they weren't playing yet.

JOSH
It's an exhibition game.

DONNA
You're flying to Florida to see the Mets play another team in a game that doesn't count?

JOSH
Actually, it's an intrasquad game.

DONNA
So you're flying to Florida to see the Mets play each other in a game that doesn't count.

JOSH
Yeah.

DONNA
Okay. Uh... there's a Continental flight out of Dulles at seven A.M., you change planes
in Newark.

JOSH
I gotta fly to New Jersey to get to Palm Beach?

DONNA
Look...

JOSH
Whatever. Just make sure that tomorrow morning...

DONNA
Mike Piazza calls you "dude."

JOSH
Yes.

Josh starts typing.

DONNA
What are you doing?

JOSH
I'm writing an e-mail to my mother.

DONNA
Why?

JOSH
To thank her for a pair of shoes she sent me.

DONNA
Your mother sent you shoes?

JOSH
Donna, please try and keep it...

DONNA
That is the sweetest thing I...

JOSH
Donna?

DONNA
Okay.

Donna exits. Josh turns back to the computer.

JOSH [VO]
Donna says hi, Mom. Anyway, I didn't think much about the meeting with Stackhouse
afterward. There are always going to be people who don't get what they want. I was
thinking about other things.

CUT TO: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - NIGHT
Hoynes is having a press conference. Toby is watching from the back of the room.

JOSH [VO]
Like Toby, I was puzzled as to why the Vice President, who made his money from the oil
industry, who champions the oil industry, volunteered to admonish the oil industry.

STEVE
Sir, I'm sure you're aware that Phillip Sluman testified before the FTC that the
Bartlet administration's relentless pursuit of stricter emissions standards in the
form of additives is why we're seeing price spikes.

HOYNES
Yeah.

STEVE
Would you comment on that?

HOYNES
Yeah. Our relentless pursuit of cleaner air standards has resulted in lower asthma rates
and the cleanest air in California in 50 years. It costs marginally more to refine fuel
with additives, but the costs are being passed on to consumers at an outrageous price.

CHRIS
Mr. Vice President.

HOYNES
Uh, yeah, Chris.

CHRIS
Are you accusing members of the PPA of price gouging?

HOYNES
Well, some of these CEOs are old friends of mine. But, uh, I can tell you they do know
how to turn a profit. Now, they'll claim that prices will go back down after production
increases...

JOSH [VO]
Hoynes just kept hammering away, and I was reminded for a minute how close he came to
being elected President.

HOYNES
...have created a new bottom line...

JOSH [VO]
Toby said it was an impressive display from Hoynes, but couldn't get past the question
of why he volunteered to do it.

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT

JOSH [VO]
And if you're wondering what the President does during a filibuster, I don't know 'cause
this is our first. But at the moment, he's in his private dining room having dinner.
There's a famous French chef visiting, and every time he comes he cooks for the President.

CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Bartlet walks in.

BARTLET
Leo.

LEO
Good evening, sir.

BARTLET
You busy?

LEO
What do you need?

BARTLET
Come have dinner with me.

LEO
Why?

BARTLET
Pierre Boileau is cooking tonight. You want to have dinner?

LEO
What's he serving?

BARTLET
That's your answer?

LEO
I'm just asking.

BARTLET
Well, I can tell you that the man specializes in a reinterpretation of classic Provençale
cuisine. Cassoulet, duck with green olives...

LEO
Yeah...

BARTLET
...saffron chicken...

LEO
I haven't had a good saffron chicken in quite some time.

BARTLET
Well, don't you think you deserve one?

LEO
Yes.

BARTLET
His specialty is his dessert, tomate du saltambique.

LEO
That's gonna be a big, seedless beefsteak tomato stweed for three hours in creme de
caramel and stuffed with...

BARTLET
Passion fruit, kiwi and hazelnuts, and...

LEO
...served on a pomegranate reduction, yes.

BARTLET
Let's go. Leave the cell phone.

LEO
I'm taking my phone.

BARTLET
We're not leaving the building. People can find you.

LEO
Let's go.

Bartlet and Leo head outside.

BARTLET
What's he on to now?

LEO
He's reading the rules of cards.

BARTLET
Oh, brother.

LEO
Don't worry about it.

BARTLET
Could Howard Stackhouse possibly be a bigger horse's patoot?

LEO
I don't know what part of a horse that is, exactly, but I've always thought he was a
decent guy.

BARTLET
He's a curmudgeon, a grouchy old crank.

LEO
So are we.

BARTLET
You are. I am full of mirth.

LEO
Okay.

BARTLET
He was all over me the first year. He called me, "Bartlet the Inert."

LEO
That was pretty funny.

BARTLET
I'm a reformer. I'm the most liberal President he's ever served under. His hero, Hubert
Humphrey, once, you know...

LEO
Shook your hand.

BARTLET
That's right. [silence] I feel bad.

LEO
Why?

BARTLET
His wife died a few years ago. I didn't go to the funeral.

LEO
Why?

BARTLET
I was kind of busy running for President, Leo.

LEO
That's right.

BARTLET
Tomate du Saltambique, my friend.

LEO
Yes, indeed.

They reach the DINING ROOM, which is lit by candlelight.

BUTLER
Good evening.

BARTLET
Hi. Hang on. [to Leo] They thought I was going to be eating with Abbey, so...

LEO
Hmm...

BARTLET
We'll just, you know, pretend there's no candlelight.

LEO
And that we're not paranoid homophobes in any way.

BARTLET
Yeah.

Leo's cell phone rings.

LEO
Yeah.

BARTLET
Leo, you have a deputy who's, frankly, a lot smarter than you are. Whatever it is, let
him handle it. Who are you talking to?

LEO
My deputy. [into phone] Yeah.

BARTLET
What did he say?

LEO
He says there's no end in sight.

BARTLET
Okay. Let's eat.

FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* **

ACT FOUR

FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - NIGHT

STACKHOUSE [V.O.]
To get cash for chips you have to go to the cashier's cage of the casino...

DONNA
C.J.?

C.J.
Yeah.

DONNA
Listen, I was looking at the B-roll they're showing on the Stackhouse story and there's
something that struck me as odd.

C.J.
What?

DONNA
They show two different events during his last campaign and his grandchildren are next
to him on stage. He's got seven of them.

C.J.
What's the problem?

DONNA
There are only six in the shot. I don't think this is what we think it is. I don't think
he's just being ornery. I think he's got a grandson who's autistic.

C.J.
Oh, holy hell. Tell Josh. Find out for sure.

DONNA
Yeah.

CUT TO: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Bartlet and Leo are having dinner. The steward is with them, while Leo talks on the phone.

STEWARD
More brandy, sir?

BARTLET
Nah, I'm fine.

STEWARD
I hope the First Lady's not feeling ill this evening.

BARTLET
No, she's up at the Manchester house.

STEWARD
Very good, sir.

BARTLET
No, it really sucks, but thanks.

STEWARD
Yes, sir. [walks off]

BARTLET
Did you hear that? He said, "Very good, sir". Where do they learn that?

LEO
Yeah. [to Bartlet] I'm sorry?

BARTLET
Nothing.

LEO
[into phone] I'm sure that was moved for a reason. We're prepping for a G-8 with Barney,
and we're going to Tel Aviv.

BARTLET
I just feel like we don't talk anymore.

LEO
[into phone] Tel Aviv's the week after. [to Bartlet] What?

BARTLET
See you're not even listing.

LEO
[into phone] Ben, let me call you back. What's your problem?

BARTLET
I'm just saying we work all day, and then the day's over, and we go out to dinner and
you're still working, and you know, I'm sitting here. No time to talk.

LEO
You know, conversations like this, are the reason I got divorced.

BARTLET
No, it's not. [clears his throat]

LEO
[whispering] Sir... what's wrong?

BARTLET
I made...

The steward enters.

LEO
Uh... I'm fine, Billy.

The steward turns and exits.

BARTLET
I made a deal with Abbey... 'cause of my thing.

LEO
One term?

BARTLET
[nods] My thing, by the way, is the reason that Hoynes stepped up on oil.

LEO
'Cause he thinks maybe...

BARTLET
Yeah.

LEO
It was three years ago. She can't expect...

His cell phone rings.

LEO
[into phone] Yeah. Yeah. [to Bartlet] It's C.J. Stackhouse has an autistic grandson.

BARTLET
[sighs] Let's go.

LEO
[into phone] C.J., we're coming up.

CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
C.J. and Donna enter.

C.J.
Charlie?

CHARLIE
He's just coming over.

C.J.
Thanks. Can we wait?

CHARLIE
Yeah. Look, C.J., one of us is going to have to tell the President that the statue's
broken.

C.J.
It's not broken.

CHARLIE
It is broken.

DONNA
She Krazy Glued it back together.

CHARLIE
You Krazy Glued it?

C.J.
I didn't know what it was. I needed a potpourri holder. I have the ancient curse of Bast
on me so get off my back, Sparky.

CHARLIE
Okay, but when you tell him I'd leave out the Krazy Glue.

C.J.
And the potpourri, right?

CHARLIE
Yeah. Here we go.

CUT TO: INT. WHITE HOUSE PORTICO - CONTINUOUS

BARTLET
How does he not just tell me?

LEO
Sir...

Bartlet and Leo enter THE OVAL OFFICE.

BARTLET
How does he not come to me and say "Jed, this is my grandson and there are lots more like
him and there are lots more to come. Can you help us out?"

LEO
Because he...

BARTLET
Damn it. He knows we would have gotten it done. Why doesn't he tell me?

LEO
Because he doesn't want to make political hay out of his grandson, which is commendable.

BARTLET
Nah, he's a crank.

C.J.
Good evening, Mr. President.

BARTLET
Hey. Hey Donna, you need something?

C.J.
Donna's the one who started sniffing around it.

BARTLET
C.J., that phone message was for real. He's not going to stop till he drops.

C.J.
He might.

BARTLET
C.J., let me tell you something. Don't ever, ever underestimate the will of a
grandfather. We're mad men. We don't give a damn. We got here before you and they'll
be here after. We'll make enemies, we'll break laws, we'll break bones but you will
not mess with the grandchildren.

LEO
There was quite a bit of sugar in the crème de caramel.

C.J.
Yeah.

BARTLET
C.J.... If I told you to screw the print deadline what would you want to do right now?

C.J.
I'd want to see if there's a way I could help him out.

BARTLET
Give him some dignity right? And give him a rest. The guy's going to collapse out there.

C.J.
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
Screw the print deadline. Leo?

LEO
Look...

BARTLET
We will talk about the other thing later.

LEO
I'm just asking how we're going to do this.

DONNA
Excuse me?

LEO
The Chairman's going to gavel him off if he stops talking or sits.

Donna, holds up her hand, like in school.

DONNA
Excuse me?

LEO
[amazed] What are you doing?

DONNA
I didn't know if I'm supposed to...

LEO
We usually don't raise our hands.

BARTLET
Though it's not the worst idea in the world.

DONNA
The Senator's allowed to yield for a question without yielding the floor.

LEO
What do you mean?

DONNA
He's allowed to yield for a question without yielding the floor.

C.J. and Leo turn to Bartlet.

BARTLET
I was in the House. I know nothing about Senate rules.

DONNA
Yes sir, but Josh does, and he likes to explain things, and, well, I let him.

C.J.
I'm pretty sure it's true, sir.

BARTLET
What time is it? Let's wake up a parliamentarian.

LEO
Yeah, but the problem is the only people who ask questions are Senators.

BARTLET
We're going to get one of them to walk in there. Charlie!

LEO
The Senate wants to go home. They want a vote.

CHARLIE
Yes, sir?

BARTLET
I want to call Senators. We'll start with our friends. When we're done with those two,
we'll go on to the other 98.

CHARLIE
Yes, sir.

C.J.
Charlie!

CHARLIE
Yes, ma'am.

C.J.
Start with the grandfathers.

CHARLIE
Yes, ma'am.

BARTLET
There's no damn holiday for us either.

LEO
We'll be in the dining room.

BARTLET
C.J., no kidding, make this happen.

C.J.
Yes, sir. [quietly] Oh and, I broke you're statue.

DONNA
I don't think he heard you.

C.J.
No.

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Hoynes and his staff walking through the hall.

STAFFER
The water peaked at 3690 feet last month because of an uncontrolled release from Lake
Powell.

HOYNES
You mean the uncontrolled release of Lake Powell.

STAFFER
I suppose.

HOYNES
I am going home.

STAFFER
Good night, sir.

HOYNES
Good night.

TOBY
[walks up] Mr. Vice President?

HOYNES
Didn't I do it right?

TOBY
No, sir, you did it very well. I appreciate it.

HOYNES
Yeah.

TOBY
I'm sure you know I was curious about why you'd volunteer for something like that.

HOYNES
Yeah.

TOBY
So I got ahold of some private polling you've had done.

HOYNES
Oh. Yeah?

TOBY
A significant number of people are concerned over your close ties to big oil.

HOYNES
Well, not anymore.

TOBY
Yeah, but what I was wondering was why did you put the poll in the field at all?
Mr. Vice President, what do you know that I don't?

HOYNES
Toby, the total tonnage of what I know that you don't could stun a team of oxen in its
tracks. Good night.

Hoynes steps into his car, and leaves Toby standing.

C.J. [VO]
And then came the big moment, Dad. Everyone...

CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
The staff throughout the building are frantically calling Senators.

JOSH [VO]
Everyone was enlisted. You called whoever you had a relationship with...

SAM [VO]
...with and if you didn't get anywhere, they got a call from the President.

C.J.
[on phone] Do I have your word on that, Sarah?

JOSH [VO]
We'd been at it 20 minutes and we were coming up with...

SAM [VO]
...nothing, until...

C.J.
Got it!

Everybody gathers into the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE to watch the television.

SAM [VO]
Senator Tom Grissom of Washington State was headed from his office...

C.J. [VO]
...to the Chamber and everybody started flooding into the Communications Bullpen to see
what would happen, the problem being of course...

SAM [VO]
...that Stackhouse would have to know as much about rules and procedures as Donna had
and not think we were trying to screw him.

JOSH [VO]
We stared at 14 different television sets while calculating in our heads the time it
would take Grissom to walk from his office...

C.J. [VO]
...to the floor and we were in frozen silence while we listened to the rules of blackjack.

STACKHOUSE [on T.V.]
...unless you are counting cards.

C.J. [VO]
And then it happened.

TOM GRISSOM [on T.V.]
Point of order, Mr. Chairman.

CHAIRMAN [on T.V.]
Mr. Grissom?

GRISSOM [on T.V.]
Will the Senator yield for a question?

SAM
Come on.

CHAIRMAN [on T.V.]
Mr. Stackhouse?

JOSH
Come on.

BARTLET
Trust me just this once, you grouchy old son of a bitch.

STACKHOUSE [on T.V.]
Mr. Chairman, I yield to the Senator from Washington for a question.

GRISSOM [on T.V.]
My question is in 22 parts and might take quite a while. Perhaps you'd like to sit and
have some water while I ask it.

The place explodes with cheers. C.J. makes her way to the HALLWAY.

C.J. [VO]
And that was it. Grissom gave him a rest and an opportunity to answer some real questions
about autism, and when Grissom was done, McNamara took over, and after McNamara came
Gianelli, grandfathers all. I'm going to have to finish this up now and go into the
press room and explain what happened...

In the PRESS BRIEFING ROOM, C.J. steps to the podium to answer questions.

C.J. [VO]
There'll be no vote tonight and the Senate will go home...

JOSH [VO]
...for the week. And since Stackhouse, with our help, blew the print deadline anyway,
there's really no reason...

SAM [VO]
...for Josh not to go back to the Conference Chairman and reopen the bill.

C.J. [VO]
There are so many days here where you can't imagine that anything good will ever happen.
You're...

Later, C.J. walks to her OFFICE and gets a high five from Carol.

JOSH [VO]
You're buried under a black fog of partisanship and self promotion and...

Josh and Donna sit in JOSH'S OFFICE sharing a beer. While Toby sits alone in his OFFICE
bouncing his rubber ball on the wall.

SAM [VO]
...stupidity and a brand of politics that's just plain mean...

Bartlet and Leo sit and talk in the OVAL OFFICE before we cut to C.J. wrapping up her
e-mail in her OFFICE.

C.J. [VO]
Yes, Hoynes had us nervous with his admonishment of big oil and yes, the President was
making us nervous too, but that's for tomorrow 'cause tonight I've seen a man with no
legs stay standing, Dad, and a guy with no voice keep shouting and if politics brings out
the worst in people then maybe people bring out the best 'cause I'm looking at the T.V.
right now and damned if 28 U.S. Senators haven't just walked onto the floor to help. I'll
catch the first plane out in the morning and if you wouldn't mind not turning 70 until
tomorrow that'd be great. In the meantime, I love you so much. Your daughter, Claudia.

DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
* * *

The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells
Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended.

Episode 2.17 -- "The Stackhouse Filibuster"
Original Airdate: March 14, 2001, 9:00 P.M. EST

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